A place where you see the Real Me

Sometimes, especially during the holidays I cry a lot. My mom, Lindsay and I cry we miss grandma. The field that I work in I am well aware that the elderly pass but my grandma was young. If she wasn't sick she would still be alive. That woman was the strongest woman I have ever met. She had over come so much in her life and yet still remained strong she still remained positive. Christmas day was great when Lindsay and I were young we would open presents with mom and dad and then go right to grandma's house for breakfast. We always loved it there. Grandma Margie loved to spoil us all. We have been very fortunate to not lose many close relatives. But although my grandma passed when I was 8 she has been been in my heart for the past 13 years. When I was weak and feeling like i needed to give up she was my strength. She pushed me through so much going in and out of the hospitals. She knew I was giving up and pushed me through. And now I am where I am today and its because of the strength and courage and compassion she gave to me. Shes my guardian angel, and I know there was a reason God took her away from us at such a young age. She lives inside each and everyone of us. She touched so many lives without even knowing it. I want to follow in her footsteps, I want to touch so many lives. I want to show people the gift she gave to me. I will make a change in this world, even if it is by showing someone just a little bit of kindness. I have so much to show to so many people, the gift that I will keep on giving is love and kindness to others. If others could just see what I see for even just a minute it would change them. Life is to be lived and lived happily. Treat others as you would like to be treated. One thing I always wonder about was why didn't God take me why am I still here? And I truly believe I am here because there is something special about me I think I was left on this Earth to help bring some good back. This is the gift my grandmother left me with. Merry Christmas

Okay so I'm not sure how I should feel right now but I am so fucking pissed off and hurt at the same time. Here's what happened its my day off so I'm just writing out my thank you cards and not moving out of bed because I am tired as hell from working two doubles in a row. I am getting off subject now....but anyways get a call from my mom and she doesn't want to tell me this but does. She says that the guitar that was given to me that was my grandmother's my grandfather now wants back because he thinks it is worth a lot of money. My mom proceeds to tell him that he gave this to me while I was sick and in the hospital. He comes back and says that he let me borrow it. Let me ask this who the fuck borrows a guitar for 5 years....right no one.

This guitar means a lot to me. I can't play for shit but this is the guitar my grandmother played for me when I was young she would play and I would sing. And we would sit out on her porch and life was just perfect. I would give anything to have her back sitting on that porch with me singing and playing her guitar but I cant. After she passed away I was given that guitar. He gave it to me when I had went into the hospital for the first time and it meant the world to me. I had my grandmother's bible with me at the hospital every time I went and then had her guitar at my house. I never changed anything with that guitar cuz I wanted to keep it just the way it was given to me. I love that guitar I have plans on giving this to my first born child but my grandfather has other plans.

My grandmother has been dead for 13 years now and I cherish anything that was given to me by her. My grandfather wants to sell one of the only things I have left that was hers. The one thing I dont understand about this whole thing is the fact that he has so much money why does he need more. I would think that my happiness would mean more to him but obviously it doesn't.

I dont know why someone could be so heartless I will give him all that I have to keep that guitar. I have special memories with it and my grandma. I will not give it up. Words can't express how upset I am. You can't just take back gifts especially something that my grandmother would have wanted me to have. I'm done, I just am done for now.

I wanna live my life with no regrets. Love with all that I have. I wanna dance like no one is watching. I want to sky dive and feel like i'm flying. I want to not be so afraid. I want to take more risks in life. I want to make a difference in this world. I wanna be a name that no one will ever forget. I want to lay in my lovers arms for all of eternity. I want to be the best daughter, be the best sister, be the best friend, and be the best wife I can be. I want to travel, I want us to travel all over the world together. I want to dance with you in the rain. Sing my heart out in front of thousands of people. I wanna run and keep running until it feels like my feet are going to fall off. I want to have a marriage like our parents. I want to further my career. I want to finish college, get my masters degree and I want us to live comfortably. I wanna sail, sail into the ocean and watch the sunrise and fall in your arms. I want a house in the suburbs and a cabin up north. I want to have a big dog that sleeps in our bed. Someday I want us to have children. I want us to be full of love and be full of happiness. I never want to go to bed angry. I want to live my life to the fullest and never look back. I want to love life with you.

I am thankful to be the person I am. I am thankful my parents raised me with open eyes. I am thankful that the man I married is able to make me laugh when all I want to do is cry. I'm thankful that he is so gentle with me and so caring at the same time. I am thankful that we have been able to mature with one another throughout the years. We are on a journey together and some days will be bad but most will be good. As long as we have each other everything will work out in the end. As long as we have each others love life will be good.

I love the life that God has blessed me with. I might complain sometimes, I might have bad days and I might have been through a lot in these last few years. But I'm stronger, I won't give up on my dreams. I will always fight for what I believe in. I will always hold the doors for others and smile at the people I pass. Life is to be lived and that is what I intend to do.

Not the greatest day at work today I really have to say I dont feel good but fatigue does take place when a person works over 40 hours of overtime....Granted my check will be really nice....granted I love my residents...but the fact of the matter was I did not want to get up and go to work today. I woke up in hot and cold chills which sucked....since I've lost all this weight I decide to put on my favorite comfy pair of jeans that use to make my butt look really good now....they were falling off...my ass i'm sure showed a few times....oh well neon green thong is hot right? Not really when I work around old dirty perverts. Short staffed again today which sucked which meant my ass was running all day long. I actually did get a break though when I got to come home and take a 20 minute power nap. And then have to go back for another 5 1/2 hours...exciting huh. Well, my day gets better one of my residents decides she is going to choke at lunch and aspirate as well which meant tons of vomit all over the floor...yum. Then another resident falls not just once but twice on the floor and just b/c she doesn't want to use her walker. My other resident decides he wants to break my fingers today and actually bends them backwards...not very pleasant feeling to say the least. He didn't break my fingers but came awfully close. And then I had a resident decide that perhaps she doesn't like the color of her room so she decides to tip her lamp over and try and start a fire. Which she decides to do this on my last rounds...all I can say is I'm glad I could smell it because no one else could smell the burning. Her fabric on her ottoman was being burnt and me being me is living in the moment and realizes that now I'm breathing in toxic fumes...fun times. Which now makes it hard for me to breathe. Life is swell sometimes. To top that wonderful day off though I hurt myself too....first time was burning my arm on the stupid steamers...second time was my hand being all soapy and wet and it slipping out from underneath me when i grab the phone and slammed my wrist right into the counter....the third time was me getting out of my car when the wind decides to shut my car door for me and ends up slamming into my knee.......So to sum it up day from hell....

I did go play pool with Michelle and her husband tonight which made me miss mine even more. But I still had fun.....I have got to get some sleep now because I will be pulling a midnight shift tomorrow. Also just wanted to say my old kitty cat Peppy was put to sleep....I work so damn much I just found out about it on my myspace....so this is making me cry at this very moment. Missing my old cat and my husband....nothing but a good shot of jager will help.

So....my weekend yeah that sucked I worked in four days almost 60 hours and I am extremely tired and guess what to add to my exhaustion I am now sick. My chest hurts when I cough I'm all congested and have hot and cold chills...fun times. Instead of going to Arts, Beats, and Eats I worked and worked hard. I also found out the other day that I am now the Lead Care Manager which means I manage the people I work with on a shift. Hey its a raise, everyone knows I am not bossy so we will see.

I am really hoping I hear from Scott tomorrow I dont care if he wakes me up I just want to hear his voice. I cannot wait till he is home, his ass is mine!!! And when you read this baby YOUR ASS IS MINE!!!

I'm having a bridal shower on september 17th, and that will be fun...my girls are throwing it for me so I know it will be nice.

I hope everyone had a great weekend...mine sucked but I still got a jager shot in b4 the weekend was over.

Other than that just waited for my baby to come home so then I can have my "real fun"

Going to sleep now or at least try...nighty night

Not too much longer and Scott will be back home. I think I am gonna get another tattoo soon. I want another one but maybe i will wait until you come home and then we can go together and none of those matching ones either thats just weird. I am trying to get wedding plans set also which is a little crazy. But ya know shit happens. My girls and Jason are pretty much set I just need to get tuxes taken care of and the wedding party will be good as gold. Other than that I am hoping and praying that I can get the Lafeyette Grand for the wedding. Its absolutely beautiful and would work out perfect. And I am trying hard baby to get your cheesecake that you want for our wedding cake. I have also decided after talking with my parents that I am taking a semsester off of school so we can have our honeymoon and enjoy eachother while you are home. Plus, by doing this now I can go hard core in winter and save up some money.

I have also lost 15 pounds now and am planning on losing another 15 this is my new healthy lifestyle with also as less stress as possible. My trainer is kicking my ass and between working about 50 to 60 hours plus hitting the gym 4 to 5 days a week I am feeling better than I have in years. I am also applying for a job at St. Joesph Hospital as a nurse extern. I have some connections there I am just hoping they can help me get my foot in. Otherwise it looks like I will be a lead care manager which would give me a slight raise. What else to say oh I have my final on thursday for my english comp 2 class I should be able to pass that class with at least a low A. Time is going by so fast right now and I am not looking back just forward. I went through some very tough times while Scott was gone but now I'm focused on our future and thats all I see.

The only negative thing in my life right now is my car and thats in the shop right now hopefully its fixed in the next few days and hopefully this problem will go away for good. Cuz I dont wanna break down on the express way that would suck horribly. But i will find out in the next few days what the problem is and hopefully its covered under my warranty.

If thats the only bad thing thats happened life is grand and I am smiles all the way. Come home soon baby and I love you!!

So, no more depression....yay!!! I have the greatest man to love for a lifetime and hes coming home soon. Even though he is not home right now he has helped me through so much. No more nightmares, no more pain all I want is him back and everything will be perfect.

I am transforming myself also in more ways than one. No longer being blond, I went back to my natural hair color and I love it. My mood is no longer dreary, I am very happy again and finally feel more complete. Like the old me, I had to make a change before you came home. I want to be that beautiful woman you fell in love with not the one who just stopped caring. I am back at the gym finally 5 days a week. I am on a very strict diet which is working fantastically. And I have a trainer thats kicking my ass. I love it all. In 2 weeks i've lost 8 pounds so I'm doing great. In actuality I am trying to get in tip top shape so maybe I can start doing some modeling. My dream though is getting into the music industry, although my realistic career is nursing. I would love to be a singer. Other than that life is going great there is just one piece missing and thats you, Scott. I can't wait for us to start our lives together and be that obnoxious newlywed couple, cuz you know thats what we will be.

I am also now officially legal, 21...baby...and not much has changed except now I can buy the booze instead getting others to buy it for me ;p Well, I am gonna head to the gym and then I am gonna go out to the movies with my mom. Love to all!!!

Well, I am a complete blond now, and I got some cute lil bangs I will have to take a pic soon. I'm really, really blond, never been this blond b4 but its cute I love it. I've got a few shades of blond on the top and then i've got a really pretty shade of brown on the bottom its hot. Alright I will update more soon, but I gotta hop in the shower now. Everyone take care and have fun!!!!


I love you Scott so much.....miss you so much!!!!

Alright so I'm a bit excited, got my first big pay check from Sunrise. So glad I am not at Penney's any longer. I'm making so much more money here and I'm thrilled about it. But, since I haven't had a real paycheck in a month I have a lot of bills to pay. So basically all my money is going towards bills. Thats life though right? I just bought my mom and mother in law, mother's day gifts. I'm excited to see what they. My mother in law has been a bit down lately because of Scott being gone. So I hope that she will really enjoy her gift and day. I will be working mother's day too, but I love my residents they are great and since most of the women will be gone I think I will plan something fun for the men. Life has been really good, I miss my hubby a lot. I cannot wait to see him and wrap my arms around him.

Other than that, I have just got a membership at Balley's total fitness. I worked out a bit this week and I love the gym. I will be training next week with my trainer. I want to look super super good when Scott gets home so that means my ass will be at the gym 5 days a week. I also just started my summer classes. I am only take political science for part 1 of summer. I will only be in that class for 7 weeks. I love my professor, never thought I would like government. But I can tell with my teacher he will make it real fun. He makes learning fun and I really like that. Plus I have a few people who I talked to from my sociology class last semester in the class. I am really excited about that class. I dont know I have really just been happy lately with work and school. I just want my Scott back and I will be the happiest person in the world. Well, I gotta go get ready I am going to see the Surrogant Band tonight, all they do is play Pink Floyd, so I'm excited about that. Everyone have a great weekend.

As the light fades to darkness all I see is you.
Your everywhere in my thoughts, my prayers, and my dreams.
How I wish you were here to hold me through the night.
All I wish for is to be in your arms.
As my eyes close I see your face and I smile.
Your everywhere I can never escape you.
My heart beats, the clock ticks and I'm one more minute closer to having you with me once again.
Its so hard to say goodbye, I don't know if I can keep saying goodbye.
I miss you every second you are away, I am your angel and you are my everything.
I just want to be held by you, be kissed by you so tenderly once more.

Morning, noon, and night all I want is you.
Can I stay asleep till you come home to me?
Can we be whole once again?
All I want is you, I crave you like your cravings at midnight for leftovers and black olives :)
Your scent lingers on me, and if I close my eyes you are laying right beside me.
I envision you caressing my body with yours.
I envision your arms wrapped tightly around me, never wanting to let go.
I'm under a spell when I am with you.
You complete my dreams, without you my dreams turn to nightmares.
Lay me down on a bed of roses, whisper you love me in my ear, and tell me I am your angel once more.

Never give up on true love.
Keep believing that true love really does exist.
It is real for you and I, always and forever.
I will shout it from the rooftops that I love this man!!
Tell me everything will be alright, tell me you are safe and will be home soon.
Come back to me and I will layer you with a thousand sweet kisses all over your body.
The love we share is eternal.
You might have said long ago that love was not real but for you and I it is very real.
Everytime you call just to say, "I love you" the feeling becomes more real.
Money will never buy me true happiness, but having you next to me will.
You once said that we would make everything work because all we needed was each other.
I truly believe that what you said is true.
Having you next to me for the rest of my life will make me the happiest woman alive.
I love you and thats all I need is your love.
So when I lay my head down on my pillow and start to close my eyes I will be in your arms once again.
And then I will know what the true meaning of happiness is.
I am complete now and its all because of you.

Goodnight my sweet love

"Rain drops fall"

As a tiny rain drop falls I see the light.
Sun shines through the window pane.
Fire burns as the wood crackles and cracks.
The wind shrills like a woman crying.
She cries so loud and the storm begins.
Lightening crashes down on the tiny, old, wooden home.
The floor begins to creak, and now the wind is yelling out.
Yelling at you to STOP, please why do you hurt me so.
I am just a little girl, a little girl who has lost her way.
A little girl whose smile shined so brightly one summer day.
She is dying now this little girl is now in pain.
Why did her sunshine disappear?
Where has her happiness gone?
Sobbing now is all she does.
Watching her cry is like watching her die.
Why oh why does she cry?
And then she replies, "A monster came and took my innocence away. Darkness is all I see now."
No more sun, no more rain drops on the window pane.
"Now all I have is pain, pain, pain."

"Darkness"

Why am I so afraid of the dark. I don't have my protector to guard me here in the night.
There are no vampires, no werewolves that loom. There is however, a boogeyman that haunts me in my dreams.
He stands there dressed in all black, cloaked by the night and all I see is his eyes evil as can be.
I sleep with the teddy bear you bought for me but you can't protect me from the boogeyman, who haunts me in my dreams.
I can't scream, I can't cry out, I can't kick, and I can't punch. I am powerless to him and I can't even scream STOP!
Boogeyman in my dreams go far, far away and let me sleep.
Go away, run fast into the dark because soon it will be light.
No more darkness, and no more shadows chasing me. I will not be afraid in the light.
Powerless no more I will fight you and win. No more blood shed, one day I will be victorious.
I will be protected once he comes home. He will rock me back and fourth and tell me everything is alright.
Go fast to sleep my child the darkness will soon turn to light.
And no more boogeyman will haunt me in the night.

I just wrote two poems because I could not sleep. A lot of things have occured lately some I will not speak of. I needed to write though I haven't updated in a long time I know that. School was keeping me pretty busy I am done with it for this week. I will be going back next week though to start my summer classes. After this summer I will only have four classes left till I can apply for the nursing program. I started a new job also I am really enjoying it, I love the atmosphere as well as the people. I work as a patient care manager at an assisted living home. I take care of the elderly who have Alzheimer's and dementia. Although I have not been there for more than a month I can tell that I needed a job like this because I feel like I am doing what I was intended to do which is be a caregiver to others. I greatly enjoy taking care of others and that is what I am doing now.

I am really missing Scott right now I just need him right now and I dont have him next to me so thats hard. But I am a strong person and I am surviving because that is what I do that is what I have been taught and that is what I do. So, I was really happy today I spent a lot of my night with Whitney. She is one of my oldest friends and is my best friend, she is like a sister to me and I love her. We talked a lot, shed a few tears, and reminisced about our childhood years. Its usually hard to catch up with someone you have not seen in a long time. But, not with us, we have both grown so much in the past few years. We need each other, and I am glad she remains in my life. Other than that, I have been thinking about getting a tattoo for a while now and I want something that means something to me. So I was thinking that I want angel wings because Scott calls me his angel and I thought angel wings could represent that. Not exactly sure where I will put them and then I also want the Chinese symbol for strength and love on my lower back.

So, I just felt like I needed to write a little update.

So yes I know i haven't updated in a while now but I've been honestly not really caring. My hubby is gone and I am sad I want him home now and i would be the happiest person alive.....I know i am being selfish i cant even imagine how much you actually want to come home, but i want you here with me now...partying with my parents and I. And then i could have you laying next to me in my bed and falling asleep in your arms. It would honestly be fantastic.....i can't wait for you to come home....I swear i will never let you go....I am glad though we talk as much as we do otherwise i think this would be harder for me and you. I cannot wait to take care of you, take care of all of your wants and needs. I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with you, grow old with you....rocking it out like my parents still do. I love you so much you really are my everything. And I let you go and you came back to me, I set you free, and here you are now, you are my husband.


There's a feeling deep inside
This feeling is much more than just a sensation
This feeling is more than i have ever felt.

You are the one
You are the one that has given me the strength
You are the one who has always been in my heart
You are always the one that I have loved
You are always the one that I have wanted
I've had you and lost you, had you and lost you
I set you free, I let you go, mind, body, and soul you were let go
My heart could never let go of you
But I tried so long
So long I pushed you out of my thoughts and I wept
I curled up and wept for days
Thoughts and emotions crossing over my every being
You came back, you came back to me like an angel in disguise
You were there for me when I wanted no one
I pushed you away and you came back
Your power and strength has pushed me
You have helped me achieve everything that I have achieved
Without you I wouldn't be the same
Without you I would be alone
Without you I wouldn't be ME
Everything I thankyou for, everything I have prayed for came true
You are safe and you are with me in my thoughts and prayers every day
I believe you are the angel that saved me
So when you close your eyes and fall fast asleep remember this:
You are my Angel
You have made me who I am
You are mine and always will be
You are the man in my dreams
I will be happy, I will shout from the rooftops when you are here beside me
Come home to me soon darling
I love you

Its been a little while since I have been on here. NOt much is going on other than I had an interview last week with Saks Fifth Avenue up at Summerseit Mall. I will find out sometime this week if I got that job. I need that job I would be making a lot more money if I worked there. And if I could make more money than that would be a lot better for Scott and I. Cuz I want to have a lot of money saved up when he comes home. We want to go on vacation when he comes back, and plus we need to be stable with money and everything when he comes home. I talked to him Sunday morning for about an hour and it was so nice. You dont even understand, none of my friends really do, I mean I understand people miss him and everything but hes my husband and I love him more than anything. I've heard people have been talking shit about us getting married and how we will be divorced when he comes home, and how I'm stupid. Well, you must not have enough balls to come say this to me or to Scott. So, you think what you want to think, and I will continue being happy and loving him. But know this if I hear any negative shit about Scott I will kick some ass. He is doing something that most of us could never do and well, I am so proud of him. And all I want from anyone is for them to pray for him, to pray for his safety. So please no more negative talk on either of us. Just wish him the best and know that we will be partying up when he comes home.

On other news I wanna get a tattoo and I want to get one soon. I have an idea of what I want to get I just have to do some more research. I want to get the tattoo on either my lower back or on my hip. I got to see my Jason last weekend too, he is the greatest friend a girl could have. I wish he could be my maid of honor since Lindsay wants to wear a Tux. When Scott comes home we are gonna have the big wedding and an even larger reception. School is out this week so that gives me time to get more errands done this week. And again, please everyone keep Scott in your prayers :)

So I come home after class and see a package sitting up on the counter inside our the most exquisite roses ever. They were simply magnificent and they cannot die. My baby sent me a dozen red roses made of glass. So now even though he is not home with me for Valentines Day I will still have the best Valentines. All I have to say is best present ever!!!!


Oh and just to let everyone know I am officially now Mrs. Jamie Peterson, got my driver's license changed today. I miss you baby and love you so much :)

Well, not much has changed other than the fact I'm a married woman now. Does it feel that different.....no, because of the simple fact that hes not here. But I am happy my ring is absolutely beautiful I love it. I love you Scott with all my heart.....and I am also sorry that you weren't able to stay longer but at least you were able to come home for at least a few days.

Oh one last thing if you ever get a chance to see Kid Rock in concert, go it is a great show. He is a great performer I was dancing the whole time. But I gotta hop in the shower now. Go STEELER'S!!!!!

So I've just got one thing I want to say well maybe two. I just want to say I am the luckiest woman in the world, and I love you with all my heart and always will. You are the best ever and never forget that. I love you darling and just want to say thank you :) I'm the luckiest woman in the world!!!

I am so happy that Steelers are going to the super bowl this year....Scottie I hope you heard about this honey....because I know you will be happy.....I have faith in this team that they will win.....GO STEELER'S!!!!

And on a side note I really think I want to go to Las Vegas, so when we get to get away I think we should go there.....I think we would have a great time....what do you think?

Have a good night everyone

I got my wedding dress today and I love it so much it is so pretty.....if you wanna see it your gonna have to come over and see it for yourself...... I love it.....I gotta wait till my parents come home to try it on cuz my mom won't let me try it on until she comes home.....but its so tempting.....I love it!!!!

Scott I love you baby with all my heart and whatever happens happens, we have a very strong bond with one another and who knows if you can't come home now at least i should have you for Christmas.....I love you baby

Well, I just wanted to bring that up, so now I gotta get back to my homework....everyone have a good weekend

Well, lets see big big news for me I got my wedding dress and it is absolutely beautiful, I cant say much more than that but I fell in love with it at first glance and had to have it. I should have it in the next week or so. It's being sent from hong kong. I am so excited about it all I just miss you is all. I wish we could both get excited about this kind of stuff together but I'm just I have enough excitement for both of us, honey. I spent the day with your parents too yesterday. They are so great I can't wait to have them as my in laws. Your mother is so excited shes sending pictures of my dress to her sisters. Everyones really happy for us sweetie. Your dad even got to see the dress and he said I will look beautiful. Adam even seems happy, even after I told him the color of his tux. But he said that its payback for making you wear periwinkle to his.....hes so funny. My mom and I had dinner with your family last night. You would have loved it your mom made a really delicious dish....very healthy. Our parents seem to get along great.....I just wish you could see everything I'm seeing honey. Your mom even talked to me last night about us getting married, and how I have to realize that Marines are going to have be your number 1, which I already understood. It was really nice of her to sit down and have a heart to heart with me about that.

I know you told me not to buy anything yet but you gotta understand when a girl finds her dream dress she cant just let it go to someone else....I had to buy it....and you'd be really proud of me I got a really good deal on it too. I guarantee it will take your breath away once you see me in it. I love you sweetie and can't wait to see you home....just know that I will be there for you no matter what.

Well, I think i will be going to bed now I have class tomorrow. I hope everyone has a great week.